Day 2 of 184
Well, I wrote last week that there was NO WAY I was starting this blitz still smoking…. And you know what I didn’t. I tried to quit on Sunday…. Lasted until this morning, I am so mad at myself.
Last night I totally lost the plot. Actually the last two days have been HELL. Last night Dan come in and I was sitting on the bottom of the shower crying…I felt raging anger inside, when he asked me what was wrong I just said, I want to scream and I feel as if I want to repetitively bang my head against a wall. Momentary insanity… I then used a technique from “The Giant Within” got to a happy place and calmed myself down…. Dan told me to just have a smoke… I refused and stayed strong. He said he will quit smoking with me on Friday…take me away for the weekend … no cigarettes and we’ll quit together as he thinks that the fact there are still cigarettes around and that I can smell the smoke on him is pushing me over the edge. I think he’s right. If I didn’t have the option of having one today, I would have just gotten over it…. But because there was one there I had it.
I don’t understand it. I’d just been for the run of my life and felt good….but I haven’t slept for the last two nights….i feel stressed…. I cannot believe that cigarettes are legal. Then there is a part of me saying “you stupid idiot… now you have to go through all this AGAIN!” well, I’m hoping that quitting together might erase part of the stress I associate with kicking the habit for good. The funny thing is, I don’t like smoking and I don’t want to be a smoker… I try and get rid of them all the time… so maybe quitting together will be the way to go after all. I know he feels terrible about still smoking, especially when he knows that I want to quit so badly, I know he too wants to quit…so im hopeful that things will go to plan, I can’t pressure him though, because I know that just makes things harder.
I’ve already decided to apply what Rae wrote re: avoiding situations until you feel you have the strength to deal with them…to going out and socializing…if turning in to a hermit is what it takes to succeed in being a non smoker…well that’s what I’ll do!
On a positive note though, I do feel totally equipped to kick ass on this 12 week blitz. I’m enjoying the way my new diet is structured and I love the way my exercise program is laid out…I’m really confident this time round. I feel as if I have beaten the drinking demons, an old mate turned up with beers last night, I politely declined whilst her and dan had a couple…. And it didn’t phase me at the slightest…that felt really good. I did however have a handful of nuts whilst I was sitting there and then had a protein bar last night because I was finding it hard to settle due to nico cravings…there not on my plan for yesterday…but I figure it could have been much worse. My run was awesome this morning. I have all of my new DB’s turning up in the next few days…it would have been twice the price to buy them here… so I ordered them from Perth and a friend is picking them up for me. I also had this morning off and was watching infomercials (as u do) and got sucked in to this ab machine….all the endorsements made it look awesome… what do u guys think? I haven’t bought it yet but they reckon it’s much better for your back and it’s 6 ab exercises in one as it isolates the abdominal muscles and has you executing the exercise with the correct movements…so it is also more effective than traditional exercises… with studies to back up the claims. I know it’s important to get rid of the body fat to have noticeable abs… but thought maybe this might help with definition. Waiting to hear what you think before I run off and order it. It’s only $100! I figure, I use it until I leave then sell it for almost what I paid for it!@
Anyway, that draws a conclusion to my massive post! How are you doing Bella??
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