DIZZY

sometimes i just dont for the life of me understand how i can be such a strong, goal orientated person then turn into a bloody idiot the next.

saying that i feel dizzy is a complete understatement! Ok, now because apparently when you tell people what's going on it's supposed to help change things i will make a confession, however im sure most of you are pretty fed up of telling me the same stuff about the same issue.....grrr im grumpy with myself but mostly frustrated as i feel like i am constantly banging my head against a brick wall.

i know my goal - i have affirmations - i know what i need to do - i get the momentum happenning it builds and builds and then i do something stupid to keep me in my trap. the dumb thing is i really don't want ot be in my trap - maybe its a fear of escaping - i just don't know.

Ultimately my goal is to be living a fit and healthy lifestyle. To be a non smoker - have the body i so badly desire and be on fire. I have got to a week of not smoking dozens of times now, i dont want them, i feel good without them but i light one up - even though my mind is screaming out to STOP and to NOT DO IT! i do it anyway.... i get to my desired destination and it's like getting off the bus without shoes on on a 50 degree day... i get off, hop around madly and then jump back on the bus. Does this make sense? I've been drinking beer for the passed four days - initially i didn't want it, then i knew i shouldn't have it, then i didn't even want it but i kept going! (now my forhead is red from the consistant banging)

grrr.... it jusst doesn't seem like knowing what i want is enough... im missing something here... which link have i lost?

i've been chasing this body i want for neally a year, im starting to get sick of fighting - i know if i could give 100% discipline 100% of the time id have been there ages ago - it's just when i do the discipline thing i end up feeling like a little spring that gets so tightly wound up it just snaps and whoa the result isn't pretty.

THne i thought maybe - just maybe - i could have a bit of everything - well this to me is maintenance, but i gotta get where i want ot go to maintenance and it does't feel like im ever going to get there *cry*.... i am startic to feel like a pathetic loser...(ok, i know the negative self talk is bad, but im being totally honest!) - i know im not a pathetic loser and i am much better at getting back straight on the horse than i've ever been before, im so close at cracking it but still feel so so so far away.