Born To Try

Well, as i was saying yesterday I had a hard week, but i made it hard all on my own accord. I am not afraid to admit that i go through these little 'self hate/be awful to myself' patches...it's not an instantaneous thing... i think it all started by being on such a big holiday and letting things get out of control...it just kinda snowballed from there. I will write all this as there may be others out there who go through similar motions. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just trying to rationalise how such a strong willed person can slip back...it's like being on a slippery slope with grease on my feet...one step up two steps back bwahghh

One thing i have realised over the passed few days is how incredibly selfish i have been. I haven't even considered how my behaviour could effect the people who love me around me. When i get in to self destruct mode i don't seem to care about anyone including myself.

I almost come very close to losing the one person that means the most to me.... due to my selfish, unthoughtful behaviour. This has been the pattern.....since on holidays:
- no exercise and terrible eating lead to me feeling pretty down about myself...
- put on weight felt worsed
- didn't care about drinking as i'd put on weight
- drank to make me feel temporarily better - than felt crap so drank again....was too hungerover to run raddah raddah raddah... it felt appauling!

ANyway.... i thought this was one pattern i would NEVER EVER EVER fall back in to... it's just like the boling frog analogy though... sometimes you don't realise you're in hot water until it boils and then it's too late....and what pisses me off even more... is the only reason i end up in this predicament is that i know i have a heap of subconscious negative shit planted by adults as a child... then guess what one day you have to grow up and try and deal with it "normally' where's the instruction manual??!! So i have to try and tap in to my unconcious mind as this is where it seems to all start for me... negative self talk blah blah blah.... it just drives me nuts.... just when i tohught i'd beaten it i went backwards....

GOOD NEWS THOUGH have you ever just had one of those momens of realisation when your life changes in an instant....???!! it happenned to me last night. I have been VERY mellow over the last few days i have titled this phase of my life as "the healing phase" i am just concentrating daily on making myself feel good and being quiet and relaxed... last night i was working in my itunes list and accidentally clicked on Delta Goodrems song "born to try" (uhhmmm accidentally i say.... that's my story and im sticking to it!! :) anyway.... i started crying it was like i just needed to hear it...

yep i was born to try...have had to learn to love....the part i like best is "you gotta make choices....and give up things you like" ....it all just made my world complete... along with a couple of people whom i really respect saying a few things out of the blue to make me realise WHO I AM.... and i have been acting like a total jerk...

My friend Claire said to some girls the other day " yeah, you guys should go running with Kat, shes so motivating" this little voice inside my head kinda went "me ahh, hmm well....shit thats what she thinks of me, how cool, no one has ever said that to me before"

dan said "i love you running, it inspires me" and finally Bella said "when i tell my friends that you are this incredibly gorgeous beautiful 6ft tall....hmmm lol no she didnt say that, what she actually said was "when i tell people about you i tell them that you are incredibly honest and driven and that i feel that i can believe in what you say" ....

It made me think long and hard about why i am trying to be someone i am not happy being... what am i trying to do?? I have to be honest with myself now and start walking the talk.....the one thing that has been my saviour has been fitness.... it may have not been a perfect couple of weeks but it has been the final threads that has kept me hanging in there...

im running quicker, im getting fitter...im prepared with meals... i am coming back....and am never going to look behind me...